Together, But Not Really Together ?


Question: I have been with this man on a not so official basis for about 4 months, we talk, laugh, and act as if we are in this great relationship and things are amazing. I cook, clean, and do his laundry on a regular basis; I even go as far as to get him gifts.

He acts like my boyfriend and I act as if I am his girlfriend, even our friends think we are together and I really like him. He is in my bed most nights, even though we have only had sex once in the last 3 months but we not in a relationship in fact far from it, we just friends, I think.

A few weeks ago I cornered him into telling me exactly where we stand and to my surprise, he told me that he cares about me and I make him happy but he had been hurt in the past, and had trust issues and wasn’t really ready for a relationship. I cried asking him why he had approached me and made me fall for him, all I got was ‘I’m sorry”. That incident was weeks ago, I have continued to be with him since then even though I know we not together but now I feel like he just likes the benefits of having a girl who is like he’s girlfriend but not really having to commit to her and its only starting to hurt me, because I never know where we stand. Tell me where to go from here. Please Help!

couple- complicated

Answer: You sound like you are a very kind and devoted girl with a beautiful heart. You are part of the last remaining society of what we consider ‘a good girl’ and unfortunately it’s your type that gets messed around often. The reason for this is because you always want see the good in people even when it’s not there.

Let’s try and dissect your situation, there are feelings involved here and sometimes walking away is never the easy option. My dad used to tell my younger sisters that if a man will not stand up and be what a girl needs, then he should sit down so you can have the view of the amazing guy who might be behind him. That’s the problem with some women sometimes, you enforce this behaviour where a man doesn’t take ownership, this guy pretends to be confused by his stance in this relationship, and instead of saying it wont work for you, you continue to be with him then complain about it.

I am not saying he is being dishonest about being hurt and having trust issues but really now. Have we not all been hurt a few times before? Uhmm yep, but the trick is not to let it define the who you are, you always going to get hurt but if you do not take the risk, you will never know and you will never learn. So the lesson in this story is if this man is not willing to take the risk because he thinks you aren’t worth it and disrespects you enough to let you ‘act’ like his girlfriend (as if you going to get an Oscar for that) then baby girl you need to put on those 12 inch stilettos and get to some serious stepping.

You deserve better and frankly, I think you already know it. It won’t be easy because you really like him but in the end, it will all be worth it, and if he even has 20% of his brain still functioning he’ll come for you but until then, YOU DESERVE BETTER.